John McCain's campaign bus is known as the "Straight Talk
Express." It's a 16-year-old bus with "akht" (8) Captain's chairs, a "vashtsimer"
(bathroom), a "televisye" tuned to MSNBC, and a galley stocked with
Dunkin' Donuts and Coke, the staples of the McCain "diete."
And then there's the Mini-Bus which departs from Hollywood Boulevard, CA. Here
one can see where the stars live: Julia Roberts, Robert Redford, Jennifer Lopez,
Leonardo DiCaprio, Nicholas Cage, John Travolta, and Jack Nicholson.
And the newest tours are "Foreclosure bus tours" in California, Michigan,
Nevada, Florida, and other slumping states. Julie Lance wrote, "We're entering a
whole new realm of selling real estate ("grunteygns"). I'm actually
enjoying seeing how creative people are getting in these dire times. It brings
out the best and the worst...The best are those who are making lemonade with
Two "grunteygns" firms in Port St. Lucie and Tequestra, FL, offer
"Foreclosure Tours." Realty Unlimited Inc. GMAC Real Estate rented a 47-seat
coach, dubbed the "Foreclosure Express" to visit 10-12 homes on a four-hour
In Las Vegas, tour buses are commonplace on the Strip, but there's a new tour
bus in town focused on the floundering housing market. Southern Nevada has a bus
tour that takes people directly to homes in need of a buyer. Real estate agents
said it's a new approach to get the Valley out of the housing slump. Each tour
is tied to a specific "shkheyneshaft" (neighborhood). Once on board the
bus each person is given a "heft" (notebook) with information about the
properties up for sale in that neighborhood, as well as the schools that are in
that district. The bus tour runs 3 days a week, takes an hour, and are free.
All that seems to be missing is a humorous list of "grunteygns" terms.
Does "close to public transportation" mean "built over a 'unterban'
Does "bright and sunny" mean "venetian blinds are not included"? Does "near
houses of worship" mean "fanatical denomination next door"?
The website, domania" (brought to you by LendingTree, LLC) and others explains
what brokers say vs. what they really mean. So, before you get on da Repo Bus,
keep these terms in mind:
"Der bank" is about to foreclose on the owner's great investment property
"This market is HOT right now."
There's a sucker born every minute.
"I sell real estate because I like to help 'dos folk' and be part of the
A couple of more sales like this one and I'll have enough "gelt" to get
the h--- out of here.
"It's a three-car garage."
If one of them is a motorcycle!
Lots of screaming kids and barking dogs.
New area rugs from Walmart.
"Close to shopping."
There's a 7/11 on "der vinkl' (the corner).
"Dos hoyz" is older than the Bible.
"For Sale By Owner (FSBO)
Too cheap to pay a realtor.
Front door has a lock and key.
"Gourmet "kikh" (kitchen)
Has a sink and oven.
Makes up for the itsy, bitsy "kleyntshik house.
"Makh shnel!" (Hurry up).
The house has been sitting on the market for 97 days.
This "heym' has less than 300 square feet.
Slightly bigger than cozy.
"Good opportunity to buy in (pick a town name)
This is the most heinous property in town, but you'll be in a good school
"Gleaming hardwood floors'
The current owner spent "dray hundert" ($300) to polyurethane the floors,
but the foundation is crumbling.
"Priced to sell"
"Bilik"--cheap. The last 5 digits of the price are 99,999. Note: A
research team at Cornell Univ. found that people in S. Florida will pay more for
a house if its listing price does NOT end in a bunch of zeros. Price the house
at $325,420, rather than $326,000.
The appliances bought before 1950, and include a 1948 "fridzhider" and an
old Maytag hand-cranked wringer washer, circa 1950.
The house needs new siding and major structural work.
The hours needs a new roof.
"Der tsug' (the train) runs 3 feet behind your house, once an hour, and
every 20 minutes during rush hour.
Near public transportation
The train station is only 5 miles away, but the only road to it is a toll road,
and there's a $20 a day charge for parking at the station.
The roof has holes in it, the walls have been eaten by termites, and the
foundation is crumbling.
"Awaiting decorator's touch"
See "Needs cosmetics" and add 20 gallons of paint.
Every home in the cul-de-sac looks exactly alike.
Our drive-by at 45 mph. confirmed that the place has 4 walls and a roof.
The house does not have plumbing or "elektre" (electricity).
The house is next-door to a shopping mall and across the street from a Solomon
Schechter school, which means you have to wait 20 minutes to pull out of your
driveway in "der frimorgn" (the morning).
"Nestled in the pines"
This house is toast in the next forest fire.
"Rushing stream on the property"
You're in the flood plain, baby.
You can't get to it eight months out of the year.
"Natural home exterior"
The house hasn't been painted since Eisenhower was president.
"Abundant local wildlife found on property"
The local high school kids use the property for their weekend keggers.
An online real-estate listing service that specializes in properties situated
within one-and-a-half miles of an Orthodox synagogue.
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is obsessed with real estate and home design. She's
looking for an apartment in Manhattan that can be described as "Your oasis in