This has been a slow month, especially by Hollywierd standards. There’s usually such a lull before the fall releases, besides which, there’s a lot of buzz about the new Fall television season. Alas, gang, the buzz, ain’t worth listening to. For the third year, “Friends” is insisting that this will be their last season. Jeeze, those mamzers already make a million dollars per episode, what more do they want? Okay, so I’ll quit my kvetching and get on with it. But, a million a week? For that money, I’d mud-wrestle Louis Anderson, nude, in the fountains in front of Caesar’s Palace!
If you felt the earth move out near New York, it wasn’t an earthquake, nor was it Anna Nicole Smith busting a bra strap. In the wake of people like Babbo Streisand whose concert tickets go for more than the average mortgage payment, Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen has severed relations with his promotions managers in order to keep the price of attending his concerts down. Could it be that there are more stars out there, who, like Bruce, actually remember that it’s we who spend our hard-earned bucks that keep him in Beaugeolais and bandanas? I’ll let you know if I hear of any!
And from the “ Shagadellic Sequels” department, I’m told, that there’s a good possibility, that the fourth installment in the “Austin Powers” series will be a spin-off dedicated to Verne Troyer’s character ‘Mini-Me’. No specifics yet though. I saw it at a critic’s preview six weeks ago, and took my kids to see it when it opened, and I repeat, this one is a definite gotta see film. Just stay away from fluids three hours before the show, or you’ll miss something while you’re in the loo!
For those of you who can’t get enough reality TV, this might have you running from the room, screaming “Genug shoyn!” The ‘Bravo” network has announced that in September they will be airing an eight part mini series about Gay weddings. Four couples will take us through the planning of their impending nuptials, which should be interesting. I’m curious to see where they get same-sex figures for the top of the cake!
And this in from the “Who gives a….!” department, N.B.C. has been planning a movie about the life of Martha Stewart for some time, but now that she may have to trade in her chintz for stripes, they’re shifting into warp drive with the project. What I’d like to know is who could sit through two hours of that yenta? I have trouble seeing her hawking her designer paints that look exactly like everyone else’s designer paints! Feh!
And speaking of warp drive, all you ‘Trekkers’ out there had better grab your phasers and get ready to beam out to the theaters to see ‘Star Trek: Nemesis’ scheduled to open soon. This one will be the last Star Trek film with the ‘next generation’ cast. Word has it that the new series of films will be based upon the “Voyager” series. Be warned though, there’s some ‘slap ‘n tickle’ in this one that might be inappropriate for younger family members.
Also, who but the drekkops at Disney would go into their theme park and tear out a beloved attraction, only to re-vamp it into a movie. Well, that’s just what they did. A few years ago, they pulled out the Disneyland staple, “Country Bear Jamboree” and now it’s ghost is haunting theaters with “The Country Bears” movie. I must admit though, while the movie lacks the magic of the live attraction, it does provide the same charm and innocent fun.
Unlike most movies these days which try to make animals look flawlessly real, this one unashamedly presents puppet and robotic technology that’s been obsolete for a decade, but that’s part of the film’s charm. If you grew up with Disney in the house, you’ll like this one.
And from the “Some people never learn” department, Jude Law, who’s performance in last year’s abysmal “Artificial Intelligence” was the only thing in the whole film worth watching, has signed to play the man of steel in “Batman Vs. Superman”. My sources tell me that it’s the most ludicrous plot since “Battlefield Earth”, and I would have expected a talent as remarkable as Law’s to be a little more discriminating than this. I mean, come on….Superman’s cosmic power against Batman’s utility belt? What’s next, the WWF pitting Hulk Hogan against PeeWee Herman?
And speaking of bad casting, can you imagine Rosie O’Donnell playing Fanny Brice? Well gang, some producer can. Rosie just signed to appear in a Broadway revival of “Funny Girl!”  Maybe they never saw the original, or figure the audience won’t realize that Fanny Brice was a slender yenta, not a 300-pound shiksa. In any case, the Great White Way will soon be home to the Great Wide Rosie. And if we listen carefully during the intermission, we’ll be able to hear Fanny Brice turning over in her grave!
Over the years I’ve known plenty of self-deified celebs, who call dial-a-prayer daily for their messages. Now, add Jim Carrey to the list. The rubber-faced comic has recently signed to appear in “Bruce, Almighty!”, wherein he complains so much to God, (Played by erstwhile Morgan Freeman,) that the man upstairs gives him the job for one day. Rounding out the cast is Jennifer Aniston, (Mrs. Brad Pitt,) who is slated to play Carrey’s girlfriend, Grace. According to my sources, this one might actually pull Carrey back from the disasters he’s done of late, i.e. “The Majestik” and “Me, Myself, and Irene”. We’ll see. I just have a problem with the idea of God being played by a man who talks out his tokhes!
And in from the “Rehash the Past’ department, HBO is all geared up to begin lensing a bio-flick on the life of Mexican mercenary, Pancho Villa. Shooting begins in October, in Mexico, and will star Antonio Banderas in the title role. Alan Arkin will play his sidekick, Samuel Drebben, (NU? What was a nice Jewish boy doing in a place like that?), which goes to show you, some of us will do anything for a free vacation to Acapulco!
Finally, this in from the “Burke and Hare” department, HBO has made a movie about Robert Kennedy that is, arguably, worse than the recent film about Lyndon Johnson, which I found to be the most over-killed job of whitewashing since Aunt Polly’s fence. Not content to merely make Bobby Kennedy look nerdy and absurd, they have included such Spielbergian effects as having the ghost of his late brother, John, appear to him throughout the film. It’s a travesty, and if you need a fix for the sixties, go rent a Jane Fonda flick, you’ll be better off.
Well that’s it for this month. As I said in the beginning, it’s been a sorry month for sleaze and sin. Hopefully, next month will bring more scandals, or intrigue. Meanwhile, Take care, and stay Kosher!