July 1, 2002
Issue: 3.07
this is column number 1
e-mail me e-mail Brian
Hi Gang, and greetings from Hollywood!

In the months to come, I hope to be able to fill you in on all the dirty little secrets the movers and shakers of Tinsletown have buried in their back yards, tip you off on the gossip, rumors, and even warn you about the real stinkers being released into the theaters. And, I hope it’s all as much fun for you as I expect it to be for me!
After forty years in this meshuganeh business, you’d think I’d have seen it all. In fact, when Demi Moore posed nude while pregnant, I thought I’d seen it all and then some. Well, brace yourselves for the sequel. Sarah Michelle Gellar is hoping to bring “Buffy in the Buff” to a magazine near you. It seems the stake-driving hottie is hoping to parlay her pregnancy into a publicity stunt. I just hope they have as much success airbrushing out the stretch marks on Sarah as they did on Demi!
And if that isn’t enough to convince you that Charles Darwin might have been right, try this one on for size. With all the sex-ational love scenes peppering the movies, who do you think got the ‘Best screen Kiss’ award at the MTV Movie Awards? None other than Jason Biggs and Sean William Scot, for their lip lock in “American Pie 2”! Maybe it was something in the crust….
But it seems as though same-sex saliva-swapping is becoming a trend in Hollywood. There was the scene in “Dude Where’s my Car” with Ashton Kutcher and co-star playing tonsil-hockey. So why then, did the producers of the new “Scooby-Doo” flick, axe the liplock between Sara Michelle Gellar and Linda Cardellini? Producers say it was considered inappropriate for a family oriented flick. But hey, it’s better than Shaggy kissing Scooby! And speaking of the cowardly canine, the movie “Scooby-Doo” topped this month for opening box-office profits, despite the critical condemnation! In fact, the producers are already brainstorming the sequel for a 2004 release!
Meanwhile, Brad Pitt and wife Jennifer Aniston have had to put their plans to co-star in several movies on hold while Jennifer is in court. The “Friends” star is suing Man’s World Publications and Crescent Publishing group for releasing some naughty pics of the blonde hottie whilst sunbathing nude. Sound Familiar? Like Brad’s own mishegas with Playgirl’s photo spread of Brad letting it all hang out. You’d think these people would learn!
And boo-hoo for Joel Schumacher. Nobody is willing to be directed by him in another Batman flick. But those ever resourceful moguls in their Ivory Towers have figured out an end run. The next Bat-romp won’t even have the dynamic duo in it. Plans are underway for a spin-off entitled “Catwoman”. The bad news is Michelle Pfeiffer won’t be reprising her role as the bosomy Burmese. Instead, the role has gone to Ashley Judd. Kind of like trading in a Rolls-Royce for a Saab, but we’ll see.
Poor Calista Flockhart. Seems she can’t get a break. Seems her new squeeze Harrison Ford has refused to set up housekeeping with the ‘Queen of Lean’, saying he’s already done the child-rearing family-man scene and isn’t all that anxious about doing it again. Take my advice Calista…..Krispy Kremes are a great escape!
And what cerebral wasteland thought of airing the USA Network’s movie “Deadzone” (based on the Stephen King Novel,) on the same night as the opening of “Austin Powers: Goldmember”? Even King can’t compete with Mike Meyers’ latest installment. And for all you shagmeisters out there who haven’t seen it yet, you’ve got a real treat in store, because this one is the best yet. As expected, Mini Me and Fat Bastard steal the show, especially Fat Bastard as a sumo wrestler/gymnast complete with a plaid diaper. It’s vintage Mike Meyers, and a must see!
And finally, for those of you who just can’t get enough of the daytime gabfests, Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York is getting her own talk show! The premise is being kept cloaked, but those in the know say it’ll be a fresh change of pace from the usual tripe served up by the usual list of suspects. And, unlike with Rosie, her close-ups won’t need to be shot through a wide-angle lens! Good luck Fergie!
And that wraps it up for this month gang! Next month, I’ll be filling you in on the super-secret plans for the feature edition of “Gilligan’s Island” starring, (If Sherwood Shwarts has his ‘druthers,) Matthew Broderick. ‘Til then, keep your lenses polished, and remember, if you can’t say something nice about someone…E-mail me!

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