Before I begin this month’s column, I’d like to ask my Gantseh Megillah readers to include the passengers of the Space Shuttle Columbia as well as their families and friends in their prayers. These people, the survivors as well as those who lost their lives, are true heroes, deserving of our support, no matter how far removed it may be.
Now, on to the gossip!
Let’s start off by offering our condolences to the loved ones of Nell Carter who died last month from a diabetes-related heart attack. Carter was best known for her sitcom “Gimme A Break” back in the eighties. She was a great talent, a brilliant comedian and will be missed!
For those of you who missed the Super-Bowl, keep your eyes peeled for the new commercial for Pepsi Twist soda. It’s a scream! The kids from “The Osbournes” turn into Donny and Marie, after which, Ozzy wakes up in bed, discovering it was only a dream, and finding himself sleeping next to Florence “Carol Brady” Henderson. I haven’t laughed so hard in months! I may even buy the product!
Meanwhile, Lisa Marie Presley is taking a break from marrying and divorcing, and actually making an album! Nu? You read right, the singer actually sings now! “To Whom it may Concern”, (that’s the album’s title, not what follows “Name of Groom” on her marriage licenses,) is due to be released in April. Not that she needs the money, what with Papa’s estate worth $100,000,000 and with an annual income of $20,000,000. Maybe she’s got alimony to pay? Is that why she just granted Diane Sawyer an exclusive interview wherein she is supposed to tell all about her split from Nicholas Cage? And when you think about it, who cares? As far as I’m concerned, Lisa Marie is just another Shiksa Goddess wannabe, who, like her mother has done for years, is trying to cash in on Daddy’s name. I can tell you this though, the buzz about town is, that Cage quickly grew weary of Lisa Marie’s attitude that she’s better than everyone else, just because she’s Elvis’ daughter, and treating him as if he were “Mr. Lisa Marie Presley”.
And according to a poll taken, (funny, how nobody ever says who, where or why the polls are taken,) guess who the public would like most to see take over the role of James Bond when Pierce Brosnan steps down? None other than Jude Law, star of “The Talented Mr. Ripley” and the only thing worth watching in “Artificial Intelligence”. Law garnered 28% of the vote, while Ewan MacGregor came in a close second with 26%. Too bad Fred Savage can’t do an accent; it might be nice to see one of us playing Bond. But then again, is the world ready for a Bond who prefers an Egg Cream to a martini?
From the “Get Joel Schumacher out of the belfry” department, word has it that "director mensch" Christopher Nolan will be taking over the “Batman” franchise, attempting to bring together what Joel Schumacher put asunder. The director of “Insomnia” Recently signed with Warner Brothers’ Studio, bringing their tally up to three “Batman” projects. The other two, are “Catwoman” which I told you all about before, wherein they’re replacing Michelle Pfeiffer with Ashley Judd, (kinda like replacing Mae West with Calista Flockhart,) for which I predict will be the worst casting since Joel put George in black rubber! Also in the works, Darren Aranofsky’s “Batman: Year One” supposedly about how Bruce Wayne became the caped crusader. This one I think may have a chance. I’ve seen parts of the script, and it’s pretty riveting.
Es der Boychik meshugga? “Ocean’s Eleven” director Steven Soderberg, has announced that while the sequel to his mega-hit will have a bigger budget than the first, his a-list stars will actually have to take a pay-decrease! Talk about leaving the industry oyf shpilkes! But Soderberg insists that someone has to curb the trend of ‘more and more’. I wonder if He’s taking a reduction? Feh!
And for gezunteh nerve, how’s this? While eating at “Il Sole” in Hollywood, Leo DiCaprio was approached by some yenta who asked him for his leftovers as a souvenir! But being a sweetheart of a goy, Leo not only had the remaining pasta boxed for her, he autographed it for her ‘daughter’. Now, that’s a star!
Since no gossip column would be complete without something about Michael Jackson, here you are…The Gloved One spent eight months with British Journalist Martin Bashir following him around with camera people while Michael schlepped around the world spending a reported ten million and some change on frivolities, and trying to teach his son, Prince Michael II how to fly from a balcony. Could be the first time in history that a television show was ever introduced as evidence in a parental competency hearing! But seriously, is it just me, or does Jackson become more and more pathetic in his attempts to remain a cultural icon; much like Norma Desmond in “Sunset Boulevard?” Only question is, with his face unraveling as it is, will Jackson ever be "…ready for my close-up now, Mr. Bashir!”?
But even this newest attempt to analyze the Prince of Poop…er, Pop, fail to answer the question over which I have puzzled for years. They keep asking, “If Jackson didn’t do anything with that boy, why did he settle?” What I’d like to know is, if he did molest the kid, why did the kid’s PARENTS settle? I have three boys of my own, and I can tell you, if some mamzer tried to accost one of them, there wouldn’t be enough gelt en der gantseh veldt to buy me off!
Although Leona Helmsley isn’t really a star, (comparisons with Joan Crawford notwithstanding,) I found this to be especially interesting. It seems that the ‘Queen of Mean’ fired an employee for being gay, and as a result, the judge in the ensuing legal action awarded the guy, (who’s name was not disclosed, ) ten million dollars in punitive damages, plus another 1.2 million in compensatory damages, making it the largest award in a gay-biased suit ever. I just had to include this, because I once stayed at the Helmsley Palace and saw first-hand just how nasty she is. She is the embodiment of every offensive stereotype we Jews have had to live under for generations, and she is a constant reminder to us all of how NOT to act. But now in her eighties, Leona proves that all fine wine doesn’t mellow with age; it often just goes to vinegar.
On a lighter note, this month was a great one for new movies, most notable, being the much-awaited sequel to the animated classic “The Jungle Book”. The voice-overs are almost flawlessly true to the originals, with John Goodman’s uncanny replication of Phil Harris’ “Baloo” leading the way. And in a first, Disney has cast a kid doing a kid’s voice. Haley Joel Osment is terrific as “Mowgli”, the original having been voiced by a woman. The film captures the charm and fun of the original as well, and kids as well as those of us who remember seeing the original as children will love it.
Also, inspired by Disney, “Pirates of the Caribbean”, and “The Haunted Mansion”, both inspired by the theme park attractions, are excellent, especially the former with Johnny Depp at the ‘helm’. Both are due out next month.
Finally, already in theaters, “The Recruit”, starring Al Pacino, is a great ‘who dunnit’ that examines the fetid workings of the CIA. Colin Ferrill is awesome in the title role, and could be well on his way to great things if he plays his cards right in the future. But Pacino, as always, steals every scene with his superb performance as the mamzer instructor who’s ulterior motives remain undisclosed until the very end. I won’t ruin it for you by telling you any more, except that I got my money’s worth even at eight bucks a ticket.
And finally, for those of you looking for something to make you laugh till you plotz, there’s “Kangaroo Jack”, starring Jerry O'Connell as a hapless mafia courier who, along with his sidekick, try to smuggle fifty grand to a gangster down under, only to have the money absconded with by a savvy marsupial who leads them on a series of misadventures worthy of The Marx Brothers. This is one of the few new-millennium movies that gives strong storyline and live performances that overshadow the CGI wizardry. Definitely a great film for the family, as well as for those who just need a good time.
And in from the “Dude, you’re getting a Cell” department, Ben “The Dell Kid” Curtis was popped last month for buying marijuana. But being a celebrity has its perks, with the judge having ordered regular drug tests on Ben, and if he stays clean for a year, the conviction will be expunged from his record.
Lot’s more to come next month gang. Until then, stay Kewl, and stay Kosher!