Shalom, Gang!

Well for starters, a big, belated Happy one hundred to Bob Hope. Not many people touch so many lives so selflessly or profoundly as he did over the last eighty years as a star, and we’re lucky to have such a great man still with us. We love you Bob!

A funny thing happened to me as I wrote this month’s column. One of my sources sent me a tidbit about a major star’s son who was allegedly seen having a back ally tryst with a guy at a gay hotspot in New York. My response was to fire that mosserim immediately. Then I printed out the story and sent it to the agent of the star, hoping they will be able to take to task the person who gave the story to my source. My reasons were as follows. Firstly, when a person sets out to become a star, they presumably know that they’re going to get a lot of stories about them that are sleazy and usually false. Okay, that comes with the eight-figure salaries and the fame; that’s show biz. But their friends and family are not in the same boat, and I consider it reprehensible when someone tries to besmirch a star by going after their children.

Secondly, I believe that what people, regardless of their profession, do sexually is a private matter, if they choose to keep it so. I consider the practice of “outing” people to be a shameless violation of their privacy, and I have nothing but contempt for those who practice it.

For those of you who have been fortunate enough not to have spent good money on Universal Studio’s latest, “Hulk”, keep it that way. This one is such a turkey; they should have waited and released it around Thanksgiving. The big problem with this gezunte misheggas is the computer-generated creature, which looks like Arnold Swartzenegger on crack cocaine. The scale of the creature, combined with a running gait that reminds one of the Warner Brother’s cartoon skunk, Peppy le Pew is so blatantly unbelievable, it is in a perverse way, comical. The casting and acting are good, and the writing was excellent, but all these qualities fall by the wayside when the title character assumes the size of a grain silo. I’ll admit, the television series was schlocky, but al least the creature, (Lou Ferrigno,) had a humanness about him, while this behemoth in the film version comes off as having a thyroid condition, PMS and hemorrhoids, all at the same time. Instead, go see “Bruce Almighty” in which Jim Carrey turns in his best performance since “The Mask”.

And from the “Titanic Achievements” department, Kate Winslet has been cast as a lead in the upcoming musical extravaganza, “Romance and Cigarettes” Boy, won’t the anti-smoking mishugoyim love that! Costarring in the flick will be James Gandolfini. Spearheading the production are our own Coen Brothers, and signed in as director is John Turturro.

Meanwhile, this month’s ‘Drawling Doofus’ award goes to Harry T. Keane of Texas, who has filed a 300 million dollar lawsuit against “American Idol” judge/creator, Simon Cowell. Seems Keane claims that Cowell stole the idea for the show from him. Funny that it took him two seasons to figure that out! Cowell may be obnoxious, but is he stupid? A Fox Television spokesperson summed the suit up in one word… “Ridiculous!”

And from the “Wasn’t the holocaust genug?” department, Madonna, has decided to film her new music video in Israel, because it makes a reference to ‘Kabala’! Just what the Israelis need…another reason for Palestine to lob missiles at them!

Tom Cruise has come under fire from across the pond by British Culture Minister Kim Howells because Cruise, given the war and prior terrorist attacks prefers not to fly. In his attack, Howells condemns Cruise, as well as Bruce Willis and several other action heroes because they set themselves up as daring-do swashbucklers, then refuse to take a chance by boarding a plane. Kinda reminds me of V.P. Dan Quayle, reprimanding Murphy Brown for having a baby out of wedlock. Are these mishugoyim completely incapable of separating reality from movie fantasy?

And for all you guys who ever looked at Elle Macpherson and said, “I’d like a shtikel of that!” Well, here’s your chance. The supermodel recently appeared in the window of London’s Selfridges Department store and had a casting made of her nude body, to be auctioned off for the Children’s charity, “Ark”.

Nu? She just had a baby and she’s having her post-partum torso immortalized? I bid five bucks…I can use the statue in the back yard to scare the Partridge Family away from my pear trees!

And for those of you who have seen “The Matrix: Reloaded” and been kvetching about the way Keanu Reeves’ character is playing second fiddle suddenly, don’t worry that the der boychic is being squeezed out. Between this and the next movie, the royalties from merchandising, and television residuals, Reeves could easily make as much as three hundred million dollars! That will also at this point, make him the highest paid actor in Hollywood! Mazel Tov, Keanu!

And here’s one that I got a big laugh out of. According to “Infobeat” Magazine, those darling Olsen twins celebrated their birthdays last month. Ashley is 17, and Mary-Kate is 16! If you can explain to me how identical twins can be born a year apart, please write me! So far, even my doctor is stumped!

And finally, a fond ‘farewell’, to three giants. Gregory Peck, age 87, died of natural causes last month, with his wife, Veronique sitting by his bedside. A spokesperson said, “Greg wasn’t sick, he just ran his course and died of old age.” Peck was a true renaissance man, who won critical and public acclaim for his portrayal of a writer who poses as a Jew for a magazine article in “Gentleman’s Agreement” in 1971. It was a triumph for Peck, and oddly, he was strongly advised by his agent not to do it!

Also, the latter half of the legendry “Huntley-Brinkley Report”
died at the age of 82. David Brinkley had been a staple of the news business for decades, and was one of the most respected men in his field. After Chet Huntley retired in 1970, (who died in ’74,) Brinkley went on to create a solo career, which lasted until his death.

Hume Cronyn died at the age of ninety-one of prostate cancer. Cronyn was married for fifty-two years to Oscar winner Jessica Tandy. The two worked together in both “Cocoon” movies, and I had the privilege of working with him in the 1963 “Fox” film, “Cleopatra”. He was a perfectionist, and a warm, funny man who ironically usually played curmudgeons and ‘heavies’. He is survived by three children.

Well, my dears, that’s it for now. But before I close, I want to thank all of you who have written so many kind letters, and especially my fellow “Megillah” contributors who have made me feel so welcome and meshpucha! And next month, my column might be written on a postcard, as I’m taking my first vacation in eight years! Until next month, take care, sleep tight, and don’t let the goyem bite!