When I went to the JDate website to sign up, I discovered that they still had my profile from four years ago. For my preferences, I had checked single (never married), separated, divorced, and widowed. But I’m older (48) and wiser now and “unchecked” single and separated. Such men do not carry a “license to date.”

Common wisdom says that any man over 40 who has never been married has “issues.” Phil was 49 and never married, but told me, “There were women who wanted to marry me, who I didn’t want to marry, and there were women I wanted to marry, who didn’t want to marry me.” It sounded good, but as time went on, I realized that all he wanted was “companionship” (dinner and sex).

Then there are those who are separated, with no divorce date in sight. There’s a good reason (at least they think so) why they remain separated and do not get divorced. Mark was 51 and told me that he had just entered into an “amicable divorce phase.” In actuality, he had recently separated from his wife and needed to maintain his legal rights to “spousal immunity.”

Still, the Phils and Marks of the world can be quite engaging. They’ve cultivated certain charms, as they know that this is all they have to offer. Phil always planned great dates, called every Tuesday like clockwork, and cooked for me. Mark was handsome, had a statue of David body, was affectionate, and wrote me romantic poems. I got so caught up in the present that I forgot (or chose to forget) that there was no future. Even worse, I labored under a misconception that goes something like this: “If he spends enough time with me, he will recognize how wonderful I am, and he’ll create a future for us.” And pigs will fly.

So, I ruled out the single and the separated. However, I was unprepared for the recently widowed.

Allan found me through JDate. I like men who are intelligent and artsy, and the picture of him wearing a T-shirt with Albert Einstein and the Mona Lisa said it all. He is 55, has a Ph.D. (as do I), and was looking for a warm, intelligent, and attractive woman. That sounds like me! However, his profile contained an interesting juxtaposition of intentions: “friend” and “long-term relationship.”

When we sat down to dinner, he told me about all the JDates he had been on and that he had signed for five (!) years of Great Expectations. Why was he telling me this? He had been widowed for seven months and already had been dating for six. He expressed concern about disappointing or hurting a woman, as well as a great deal of guilt. He was still reeling from his 31-year marriage.

We went out the following Saturday and, despite some “static” that my antennae picked up, I enjoyed his company. He opened himself up to me (and I to him), and I loved his quirkiness. He downloads schematic drawings of amplifiers (and pre-amplifiers) from the Internet, studies them in the bathtub, and then builds the equipment from scratch. He’s also an excellent photographer. The combination of his hobbies and his Ph.D. in Molecular Biology is indicative of his ambidextrous brain.

But his brain is ambidextrous in another way.

We had been seeing each other for two weeks. On Monday night, his right brain called me, and we had a great conversation. But near the end, his left brain told me that he needed “more alone time.” I figured that the left side would shut down the right side for a while, and I was prepared to ride it out. However, the next night, his right brain called and wanted to see me on Saturday.

On Wednesday and Thursday, I continued to get right-brain Allan, although left-brain Allan told me that he’s “dealing with a lot right now,” particularly his “preconceptions” about relationships. By the end of the conversation on Thursday, however, the right side had taken over and wanted to see me Friday and Saturday.

We had a great time on Friday night. Dinner, a movie, and “dessert.” On Saturday, we were having breakfast at an outdoor café. I had just put a spoonful of granola in my mouth when his left brain said to me, “How would you feel if things didn’t work out between us?” I choked.

And so it went for the remainder of the weekend. It became increasingly clear to me that Allan needed to take both sides of his brain to a therapist and come to an agreement about what he wanted.

On Tuesday morning, he called me. The left side of his brain had taken over. I felt really bad.

And so I return to the concept of a “license to date.” Before I go out with another man, he will have to present me with a “Certificate of Readiness to Pursue a Relationship” from a board-certified psychologist. He will have to have a “license to date.”