I recently had "der fargenign" (the pleasure) of reading Rabbi Benjamin Blech's book titled, "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Understanding Judaism" (Second Edition).

I would prefer to have a “seeking applicant” advertisement on Monster.com than a profile on JDate. I would state that I am looking for an “emotionally accomplished” man and ask him to submit his “emotional resume.” While nearly every man I have dated was accomplished (educated, successful in his career, and financially secure), none was what I would consider “emotionally accomplished.”

In this regard, the country singer, Shania Twain, and I think alike. “So you’re a rocket scientist . . . that don’t impress me much [and] that won’t keep me warm in the middle of the night.” She’s onto something.

Henry is a case in point. He’s not a rocket scientist; he’s a brain surgeon (!) and medical scientist, with over 170 publications in prestigious journals. His “emotional resume,” however, left a lot to be desired.

Henry’s scientific “relationship” methodology incorporated two techniques, well known to be effective—intermittent reinforcement and negative reinforcement (i.e., punishment designed to extinguish a behavior). Like a good Skinnerian scientist, training rats to press a bar for food, Henry had me on an intermittent emotional reinforcement schedule, the most powerful for maintaining consistent behavior. This means that, when I pressed the bar (engaged in intimacy-inviting behavior), I was only occasionally rewarded and only at his whim.

When I wasn’t being intermittently reinforced for my intimacy-seeking behaviors, I was receiving negative reinforcement. For each of these behaviors—self-disclosure, giving compliments, and help seeking—Henry had a means to extinguish it.

Self-disclosure. Ideally, self-disclosure is intended to result in a spiral of deepening intimacy. I disclose, you disclose, I disclose at a deeper level, you disclose at a deeper level, and so on. It didn’t work that way with Henry. On our first date, I disclosed my relationship history. This came back to haunt me. I never ceased to be amazed (or hurt) by the frequent negative comments (always said in jest, so that they could be quickly denied) he made about my former relationships.

Giving compliments. Henry is a wonderful cook. I enjoyed every meal he made and told him so. In response, he would say, “Hunger is the best cook,” a reference to my frequent hunger and big appetite. Henry also was affectionate, and I savored his sweet kisses on my neck or his giving me a “potch” on the “tukhas.” However, if I mentioned my pleasure, I would get back a semi-sarcastic, “You’re not falling in love with me, are you?” Well, if I had been, I certainly no longer was.

Help-seeking behavior. Every woman, no matter how independent, wants to feel that her man will take care of her. I had no such illusions with Henry. When he got his “land line,” after settling into his apartment, I asked for his telephone number. He asked me why I wanted it! I said that it would make me feel good to be able to call him in an emergency, to which he replied, “Don’t call me; call 911.” He wasn’t kidding. Another time, while at his apartment, I had a headache. Neither of us had anything for it, so he said, “Why don’t you drive to Albertson’s and get yourself some Tylenol.”

Well, that certainly didn’t “keep me warm in the middle of the night.” It was time for that ad on Monster.com.

Seeking an “emotionally accomplished” Jewish man, between the ages of 43 and 57, for a long-term commitment with emotional growth opportunities. Must have a Ph.D. in self-understanding, empathy, and communication, plus at least 25 years of relationship experience, including at least one marriage. If divorced for more than 10 years, must have documentation as to why and must demonstrate evidence of having been in individual or group psychotherapy. A “certificate of readiness to pursue a relationship” from a psychologist is a plus. Should be able to demonstrate what was learned from past relationships. Must be self-disclosing, able to give and receive compliments, enjoy helping others, and willing to say, as appropriate, all of the following: “Let’s talk,” “I love you,” and “I’m sorry.”

Emotional fulfillment commensurate with experience and behavior. Please submit “emotional resume” and three references, one of whom must be an ex-spouse. Deadline for submission of application: ASAP.