As I look back at the events of 2004, the words of the late Louis Finkelstein, widely regarded as the preeminent voice of conservative Judaism in America, come to mind. He said, "Miracles occur not only in historical crises; they are happening every day, all the time, for each of us. Everyone in this room is alive due to uncounted miracles, as commonplace as the rising and setting of the sun."

Here's my list of the best of 2004:

ADS
United States Postal Service - "Shipping Without the Schlepping"

Jackie Mason freshly squeezed
Dear Friends
Okay, for a brief moment last year I thought I was Hugh Jackman and I could be a Broadway musical sensation. The advertising people hated the title "The Jew From OZ" and the rest is history. I learned two valuable lessons: #1 I can't dance and #2 don't screw around the act that made you famous. So, now I'm coming back to Broadway with nothing but hundreds of new, very funny, topical ideas...

"Jewtopia"
Dear Recipient of our Direct Marketing Theatrical Brochure (aka Junk Mail): This is Bryan Fogel and Sam Wolfson, creators and stars of the new smash hit comedy JEWTOPIA. We know what you're thinking now: "I've heard that this JEWTOPIA show is really funny, but what makes you think that I have time to read this when I barely have enough time in my day to sort through my 'value pak' coupon envelope??'...We thought we would take this opportunity to tell you ten things that you will not find at our show:
1. Billy Crystal pretending to be an 80 year old Jew
2. Edie Falco having a really, really, really, really, really bad day
7. Twelve men who are extremely angry
10. A bunch of slackers who after ten years, still haven't figured out how to pay the rent

And here's the kicker! We, Bryan and Sam, believe so strongly that you will laugh yourselves silly and love our show that if you don't, you can call our mothers directly and tell them that they raised two untalented idiots. Linda Fogel can be reached at (303)575-1388 and Arlene Wolfson can be reached at (904) 346-ll60. Yes, these are their real numbers, so don't call after 9PM. And if you reach our fathers, David Fogel and Dennis Wolfson, feel free to tell them that their sons should give up the dream already and go back to law school.

We thank you for taking your time to read this and hope that you won't throw this out with the "$5.00 off your first tanning session coupon."

ALTERNATE MEANING FOR A WORD
"Oyster" (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversations with Yiddish expressions
(Washington Post contest)

BARGAIN
The 2nd Ave. Deli rolled back prices to its 1954 menu (in March):

BENEDICTION
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis gave the closing benediction for the Republican Party at Madison Square Garden

BIRTHDAY RECOGNITION
Isaac Bashevis Singer (1904-2004)

BOOK DEDICATION
"If we do not laugh at ourselves, who will laugh at us? Not recommended for any kid who has not been bar or bat mitzvahed."
Hoppel Poppel Kosher Comix by Ken Eichenbaum

BOOK TITLES
"SCHLEPPER" - a Mostly True Tale of Presidential Politics" by Iris Burnett with Kathleen Murphy
"The Art of Schmooze" - Volume 1, The Confident Schmoozer" by Beth Mende Conny

BUSINESS ("geshefts") NEWS
Lisa Belkin reports that "success for women in business is inversely proportional to skirt length and directly proportional to cleavage."

CARTOON
Leo Cullum, The New Yorker, 6/28/04 Illustration of a ship named, "S.S. All You Can Eat."

CELEBRATION
The 350th Anniversary of the arrival of the first Jews in the U.S. Mazl-tov!

CROSSWORD PUZZLES
Maura Jacobson, New York Magazine
Napoleon schlepped here - (4 letters)
Essen exclamation - (3 letters)

DIRECT FLIGHT TO ISRAEL
Israir launched its first direct flight to Israel from New York on 7/1/04. The ISRAIR'niks cracked jokes:
"Don't forget to take all of your personal belongings, including spouses and children. Anything left behind will be distributed among the flight attendants. The last passenger off the plane will clean up," said one ISRAIR attendant to departing passengers.

DONATION
Victor Borge donated $250,000 to the construction of a Jewish museum in Copenhagen.

FOODIE NEWS
The 2nd Ave. Deli will mail 5 servings of flanken to Denver, CO for $75, plus $48.75 for the overnight shipping. Total: $123.75. (The writer decided to fly her son, Daniel, home from Denver for less money...and cook her own flanken!)

GIFT
Grandma Goldman's "Chocolate Guilt" - gourmet gelt-style coins with guilt-laced phrases. Each coin displays your nagging, exasperated parents spouting phrases like "Your grandfather didn't cross the Atlantic for you to go out on a Friday" and "The phone works both ways, you know."

GIVEAWAY
In preparation for Yom Kippur, Rabbi Anchelle Perl distributed FREE non-leather flip-flops at Cong. Beth Sholom Chabad in Mineola, New York.

HEADLINES
"KETCHUP KVETCHER" (referring to Teresa Heinz Kerry), New York Post

"TALLIS ALL ABOUT IT" (review of show, "JEWTOPA"), Daily News

"IT HAD TO BE JEW" (article stating that Harvey Fierstein will take over the lead role in Fiddler on the Roof from Alfred (the Catholic), Molina.

'MAUREEN [Dowd] CAPITAL KVETCH"
New York Post

"AND ON TUESDAY THE REBBETZIN SPOKE AT THE GOP CONVENTION"
(Jonathan Mark, Jewish World Review)

HEALTH NEWS
Neil Simon received a kidney from his LONGTIME friend and publicist, Bill Evans.
"An alter fraynt iz beser vi naye tsvey." (Better an old friend than two new.)

HORASCOPE
LEO
No more schlemiel, schlimazel for you! All that schlepping you did in February and March will pay off in July and August. A new moon is bringing you promise of an end to your hairnet-wearing job.
Mike Albo, Heeb magazine

ONE-WOMAN SHOWS
Jackie Hoffman Live at the Public Theater: The Kvetching Continues
Golda's Balcony, starring Tovah Feldshuh

PARODY
"Yiddish With Dick and Jane" by Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman. Patti Thorn writes:
"See Jane. See Dick. See Jane Kvell. See Dick Schmooze. Oy vey, the tsuris these two have..."

PIE
The musical, "Picon Pie," starring Barbara Minkus. Minkus prepared for the role by taking a course at the University of Judaism, and studying with Cantor Nathan Lam.

QUOTES
"I listened to Molly Picon records, 78s. There was a hit song when I was growing up--'The Little White Cloud That Cried.'
Johnny Ray,
I think. We had a recording by Mickey Katz -'The Little White Knish What Cried.'"
Harvey Fierstein

"Yes, it was a disappointing night for Fiddler, nominated in six categories, then walking away with--how would they say this in the shtetl?--oh yeah, bubkes."
Joyce Wadler, The New York Times

QUESTION
Why are so many non-Jewish celebrities--like Madonna, Diane Katon and Demi Moore--interested in the Jewish teachings of Kabbalah? Es iz nit geshtoygn un nit gefloygn." (It just doesn't make sense.)

RESTORATION
The "Granite Hotel" in Kerhonkson, NY, (now called the "Hudson Valley Spa and Resort). A hotel "mit ale pistshefkes." (with all the extras).

ROMANTIC THINGS TO DO ON SHABBOS VALENTINE'S DAY (Feb. 14, 2004)
#2 Assure her that you have jewelry but she is halachically forbidden to accept presents on Shabbos. Then hope she eventually forgets.
The Weekly Bang

RUNNER
The last runner home in the 2004 NYC Marathon was Zoe Kaplowitz (29 hrs. 15 minutes; 36,513th place). She suffers from MS.

S.A.T. QUESTION
Samuel asks his mom, "Mom, how long would it take a car traveling 60 mph. to get to the National Yiddish Book Center in Amherst, Mass., 100 miles away?"
Mom: "In a minute, Sam."
Sam: "Wow. That's quick."

STATISTICS
Katz's, New York's historic immigrant Lower East Side Delicatessen since 1888, serves 50 tons of pastrami every year and has served Jewish food to 4 American presidents:
Franklin Roosevelt, Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton.
Bruce Davidson, Esquire Magazine

There are 1,185 websites containing brisket jokes and about 109,047 websites for "Jewish Guilt."

SUBWAY NEWS
The Transit Authority has reprogrammed some of its vending machines to accommodate the many straphangers in those New York neighborhoods who speak Yiddish. MetroCard vending machines at 7 subway stations in predominantly Jewish Brooklyn neighborhoods speak Yiddish. Assemblyman Dov Hikind estimated New York City has tens of thousands of Yiddish speakers.

TITLE OF A LECTURE
"Funny, You Don't Look Shulish: The Changing American Synagogue" by Dr. Jack Wertheimer.

UPDATE OF A NURSERY RHYME WITH AN EDGIER TEXT
Mary, Mary
quite contrary,
you're pretty and
you're goyish...
But Dad the veep
is vexed because
you're also kind of boyish.
The Washington Post

ZAGAT GUIDE (2005)...looking ahead Sammy's Roumanian Rest., Delancey Street It's "a bar mitzvah every day" at this "unbelievably tacky" Lower East Side "basement" institution, "where singing waiters dish out stick-to-your-arteries," "schmaltzy" (i.e.liquid chicken fat) Jewish cooking amid free-flowing "Vodka bottles on ice"; just "bring dancing shoes," "Alka-Seltzer" and your gold card for this once in a lifetime experience.

"Dos iz alts." (That's all.) Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the author of a new book titled, "Are Yentas, Kibitzers, & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction? Yiddish Trivia." She wishes everyone a Happy and Healthy New Year.