11/4/2004  
These Are a Few of My Favourite "F" Words
Issue:
5.10

At the Battle of Monmouth, George Washington became very frustrated with one of his generals, and as a result he reportedly let loose a steam of cusswords that embarrassed even some of his loyal, hardened fellow officers.

In June 2004, Vice President, Dick Chaney, used an obscenity in an argument on the Senate floor with Democratic Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont. "Ordinarily I don't express myself in strong terms, but I thought it was appropriate here," Chaney said. He used the "F" word--and he didn't "fonfer."

Shown below are some of my favorite "F" words:

FLANKEN - In Yiddish, "flanken" means "sides of beef."
Two slices (4 ozs.) of flanken consumes 8 weight-watchers points.

FEH - An exclamation of disgust similar to pew! or yuck!
It can be used to express any distasteful experience. Jackie Mason says that "feh" is the word that every mother-in-law has about her daughter-in-law for the rest of her life wherever she lives.

FARBAYTN - To substitute; to replace
The Placebo Gazette says that up to 60% of Israeli doctors often give inactive "placebo" pills to their patients and, in most cases, tell them they're getting the real drug. Here's the best part: 94% of placebo users found the inactive agents to be generally or occasionally effective.

FLIKN - To pluck
According to Lloyd Rubin ("Memories of Real Jewish Cooking"), one should "First, go down to Filene's basement (A & S or Alexander's for New Yorkers or Carson's for Chicagoans), buy a housecoat (schmata), and wear it all day, every day. Then go out and buy a live chicken, carry it wrapped in a newspaper to the Shoichet (ritual slaughterer) who will slaughter it before your very eyes (some live markets had a Schoichet in residence as well as chicken flickers). When you get home, flick your chicken and make sure you don't leave in any pinchus (feather ends).

FUSHEBY/FUSOFHEYB - Leg raise (as part of a Yiddisheh workout)
This exercise is to be done after the Elvis Lip-Lift. Denise Green says that whenever food approaches the face, curl upper lip to prevent intake. Alternate left and right sides 20 times, or until all donuts hit the floor.

FLIG (di) - Fly
In episode #156 of "Everybody Loves Raymond," Robert's new girlfriend, Angela, comes over for dinner. She seems great--until Ray sees her eat a fly. He then tries to get Robert to believe what he saw. Ray, horrified, says, "She's not the one!"

FARBISSENER (der) - An embittered person; someone who always looks as if he has a bad taste in his mouth
If Jackie Mason learns that he's gotten less pay than Jerry Seinfeld, he is a farbissener. If the owner of a Starbucks sees that Dunkin' Donuts has three more customers than he does (after the 11 cents increase in prices), he's also farbissener--irritable.

FIRLTSENTS (der) - Driver's license
In episode #168 of "Everybody Loves Raymond," Debra spends the night in jail after sleeping "drunk" behind the wheel. She temporarily loses her driver's license and is forced to rely on Marie. Robert sees Debra behind bars and says:
Robert: "...Debra?"
Debra: "Hi, Robert."
Robert: "Oh my God. She finally killed Mom"

FORSHTEIN - To present; to introduce
Bob Alper, Rabbi and comic, tells the story of a funeral when a man--a close friend of the deceased--walked slowly up to the lectern and solemnly began, "We have gathered together to UTILIZE Phil."

FARSHEMEN - To embarrass; to disgrace
Steven Eckholdt got rich marketing the High Holy Days on cable TV; he called it "pay-per-Jew."

FREYLEKH - Cheerful; gay
Jim Mullen introduced the following "freylekh" Jewish Country song:
"Mamas, Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business That My Own Grandfather Broke His Back To Start and My Father Sweated over for Years, Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"

FUMFER - To stutter; to act hesitantly as though reluctant to get to the point
According to Martin Marcus, "No matter what your politics, you must admit that President George W. Bush fumfers."

FIRME - Company or business
A prominent firm that makes chocolate bars is doing its part in the battle of the bulge. It has cut its king-sized bars in half. It is not, however, actually removing the other half from the package. Nisht! Instead, it markets the halves as two bars in the same wrapper, thereby making it "shareable." Chandra K. Clarke calls it the "Chocolate Bar Generosity Syndrome."

FARPUTST - Dressed to kill; all dolled up
Letitia Baldrige said, "Watch those loud plaids. Fred Astaire wore them beautiful; so do horses in their blankets."

FARGESN - To forget
Elon Gold ("You're the One" sitcom) never forgot to mention his mother in his routines.
"There are no Jewish astronauts because their mothers won't let them cross the street, let alone go into space. What's so important that you have to go to the moon? Could you call me when you land? Did you rent a car? Bring a sweater, it gets cold at night. Can you bring your brother along? He's 30 years old. Maybe he'll meet a nice girl"

FLAISHIK - Meat or meat ingredients
At a dinner with the other eight Supreme Court justices, Sandra Day O'Connor was asked by a waiter:
"Your meat course?"
"Roast Beef," she responded.
"And what about the vegetables?" the waiter continued.
"They'll have to order for themselves."

FREGN ZIKH - To wonder; to ask oneself
Have you ever wondered who is proofreading? On Sept. 13, 1984, the following correction appeared in The New York Times:
"Because of a transcription error, a dispatch from Tel Aviv on negotiations for a new Israeli government referred incorrectly to Yosef Burg, leader of the National Religious Party. It should have described him as veteran (not Bedouin) in Israeli politics."

FIRM - To drive (a vehicle)
Film critic, Joel Siegel, wrote about his 4' 11 3/4" mother. When she learned to drive on a 1952 Kaiser, the seat had to be pushed all the way to the front so she could reach the pedals and see over the steering wheel. Director, Barry Levenson, named the breed, the Headless Drivers of Fairfax Avenue.

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