The PASSOVER CONVERSATION
(between Moses & Pharaoh)
or
“Pharaoh Sings Blues While ‘Brews’ Cruise For New Views”
by Stephen D. Gross

Mamma’s in the kitchen, fryin’ up the latkes
I’m by the riverside, sitting on my 'gotkiss'
Passover’s coming and we’re in a rosy mood
Everybody’s comin’ to the Seder in the Hood

Pharaoh’s in his palace dissin’ all the Hebrews
Moses comes to see him says, “Buddy, I got news
we’ve done your dirty work for nothing
and still you put us down
Well, kiss my cartouche
‘cause we Jews are leaving town”

“Ain’t no CIO, Union Halls or AF of L”
cried old Pharaoh in an awful rage
“Joe Hill & Jimmy Hoffa and
their strikes can go to Hell!”
“You slaves’ll never ever see a minimum wage”

“You can scream and you can holler
you can even issue orders
but we don’t give a damn
‘cause we’re headin’ for the border
“You can make your own bricks
and scrub your own commode
like De Mille shows in his flicks
we’re movin’ down the road”

“See my soldiers are well armored
every horse has got a bridle
but you Jews give me a headache
and I’m almost out of Midol
“I like the work you’re doin’ and
it’s not that I’m cold-hearted
but your Mohel just works for tips
I’d like to finish what he started!”

“So, you think you’re tough enough
with your swords and little daggers?
“Our Jehovah could turn ‘postal’
(when he’s pissed, the mind just staggers!)
“Better call your troops and
give ‘em all a long furlough
you’ll see the Jews up on the Mountain
while you’re burning down below”

Pharaoh snarled and his lip it curled like Elvis’s
He grabbed two Pfc.s and kicked 'em in their pelvises
called the evening anchor on the Memphis network news
and told him, “get some shots of our boys stuffin’ the ‘Brews!”

The network sent a team, the blonde
was pimpled and too thin
the makeup man couldn’t handle
all the boils upon her skin
The dark sky suddenly opened
and before long all the roads
were covered ditch-to-ditch
with a million slimy toads

They loved it at the station
but for most it was unclear
were these frogs some awful plague
or were they out there selling beer?
“While we’re lookin’ someone’s cookin’
up some dreadful new disease”
then the darkened sun at midday
really brought them to their knees

Pharaoh’s rating’s dropping,
he’s looking like a jerk
so he hollers like John Friendly,
“C’mon get back to work!”
But it’s obvious he’s frightened
and he’s looking for his troops
but no longer can he make the Jews
jump through his hoops

Then the cattle go bulimic, they all lose half-a-ton
the Clowns down at MacPharaoh’s ain’t having any fun
the Egyptians are kvetching and
they want to see some action
the tofu and falafel, they don’t give no satisfaction
They plant asparagus - an avocado tree appears
but those dummies don’t know
it won’t mature for thirteen years

Pharaoh calls on Moses says,
“I know you got a stick
but we got spears and armor
and they seem to do the trick
so let’s negotiate, I mean,
Son, we gotta talk!”
Moses says, “Meet Moishe Python -
dig his Silly Walk.”

A thirty-hour day work day
might be a little long
We got a Dynasty to build
and our accounting skills ain’t strong
and you’d probably rather not be killed

“How's two weeks in the Catskills
with all expenses paid?”
“They say at Kiamesha Lake
the busboys all get laid
There’s services on Friday nights
and after, fruit with Jell-o
and kosher horses during the week -
they race at Monticello!”

God rolled up his sleeves, said the words, “Hocus Pocus!”
soon a trillion wings were a-buzzin’ in the air
That sweet sound we heard was
the singing of the locusts
the sour notes, Egyptians wailing in despair

Pharaoh chillin’ in the kitchen
ordered ganja and ice tea
sittin’ round with the boys
he was dealin’ five-card stud
but he started into bitchin,
when the locusts ate his stash
and then everything got quiet
when his Earl Grey turned to blood

Pharaoh was riled he
was hot and feelin’ peeved
his authority was challenged
and the boy was sorely pained
Called up his advisor,
a yokel name of Steve
But Steve just said, “Look, boss,
the Jews’ doors are all stained!”
“They’re all smeared with red -
it’s not paint it’s much too slick!”
“Well, maybe someone’s dead!”
Said Pharaoh gettin’ sick

CHORUS:
Wham Bam
thanks to the Ram and
the Ewe we get to use
the Blood of a Lamb
(Repeat)

Pale horse and rider came
breezin’ on the tide
“The agency sent me take your kids for a ride”
had a scythe and an hourglass sittin’ on his knee
“We’re goin’ down to Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory!”

“We don’t have kids, uh, besides they’re fast asleep
Buddy, you must be on some other block”
“Well, I shouldn’t say bleep but slavery is wrong
and I’m sorry!”
and with that
he pointed to his clock

By now Pharaoh’s phone was buzzin’ off the hook
everyone in town was dialing 9-1-1
He just said, “Calm down - go find yourself a book!
Play in the river - go have yourself some fun!”

Down to the waterfront, down to the levee
(Though they pronounced it ‘Levy’ ‘cause it sounded more Semitic)
with their flippers and their boogie boards piled in Mo’s old Chevy
Like a bunch of lost kids, they really looked pathetic
“The tunnel’s closed and the bridge is down
my house needs cleaning and you play a mean fiddle
unless you got an outboard and some scuba gear
why don’t you come home and be a good Yiddle?”

The water was so wide they couldn’t see the distant shore
They’d seen the movie “Jaws”, they were filled with trepidation
they looked at one another -
“What we doin’ this for?”
‘cause “we’re tired of slavery and want our liberation!”

With their dinghies and their Dories and their Zodiacs and Dhows
a PT-109 and a coupla’ Hydrofoils
they brought along a chicken and two anorexic cows
a six-pack of Bud and two or three essential oils

Mo waved his poke pole at the water in frustration
the soldiers at their backs, the Jews about to have a fit
then he heard the Lord say,
“Go and found a Jewish Nation”
and turning to the seas he said,
“I guess it’s time to split!”
All the Tantes and the Bubbes and the cousins and the uncles
they hustled and they bustled and they made they’re way across
avoiding jelly fish anemones sea urchins and carbuncles
and they never got their sandals wet by following The Boss
Pharaoh’s army didn’t like it, all this high celestial magic
it made ‘em nervous - men were anxious to go home
they tried to walk across but their little hike turned tragic
where the Jews had walked
the land had turned to surf and briny foam

Of course the Jews were all elated,
danced the Hora, sang a song
Though the foe’s been decimated
celebrating seemed all wrong
We forgive their bad behavior, their elitist attitude
There’s lots of Deli’s out in Brooklyn
but who eats Egyptian food?

And the Pharaoh, ruined in stages
whining like some injured pup
coined a phrase for all the ages
“I’ve fallen - can’t get up!”
And the Pharaoh, ruined in stages
whining like some injured pup
coined a phrase for all the ages
"I just can't get up!"