A three-year-old "boitshik" and his "bobbeh" were studying a plastic model of the human heart. They located all the chambers and arteries. When they were finished, the "boitshik" asked innocently, "Where's the love, bobbeh"?

On February 14 we celebrate Valentine's Day..and Jewish singles all over the world are looking to meet their "bashert." Some go on-line with JDate, Ortho-Date, Speed Dating, DosiDate, Frumster, JCupid, Jewish Dateline, or Shoshanna's Matches. (Their motto: "Our only real competition is Mom!") Matchmaking services have turned into BIG business.

With the divorce rate of approximately 50 percent, it appears that many people are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right.

Recently I received an invitation to join the Smart Money Singles Club, an organization which attempts to locate (via computer) and formally introduce a far greater number of the "right types" than any individual is likely to meet on his or her own. Their computer apparently made an error because I met my "bashert" at New York University in 1957 and have been happily married for 44 years. Such "frailechkeit!" Secondly, I'm known as a "frugalflaunt"--a Paul Dickson term for someone who flaunts his/her frugality.

Enclosed with the application was a short, qualifying "Attitude Profile."
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Directions: Please circle either "yes" or "no" to each of the following questions and fax us your responses.
1. Do you believe in "shidduchim" (arranged marriages)?

Yes     No

2. Do you define a "shadchen" as "a marriage broker who knows the perfect girl for you--and married the wrong girl himself"?

Yes     No

3. Do you agree with this 19th century Russian-Jewish proverb: "Marriage is lie a long banquet with the dessert served first"?

Yes     No

4. Do you believe that SOME Jewish families mask medical or other problems so as not to devaluate their child on the shidduck market?

Yes     No

5. Do you agree with the Yiddish proverb, "The man who marries for money earns it"?

Yes     No

6. Was Henny Youngman right when he said that a "shadchen" is a "dealer in livestock"?

Yes     No

7. Do you agree with the rabbi who said, "Marriage is like a violin. When the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached"?

Yes     No

8. Do you believe that the model Jewish marriage is one in which the wife is a treasure and the husband the treasury?

Yes     No

9. Do you agree with the financial "mavens" who say that the groom should spend about two months' salary on an engagement ring?

Yes     No

10. Do you agree with Oscar Wilde that "It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating"?

Yes     No

11. Do you believe that "gelt gait tsu gelt" (money goes to money)?

Yes     No

12. Do you agree with Andrew Mellon, who was "ongeshtopt mit gelt" (filthy rich) that "Gentlemen prefer BONDS"?

Yes     No

13. Like Sue Grafton's popular alphabet mystery series, would you buy books titled, "C is for Chasseneh" or "M is for Moid" (an unmarried girl)?

Yes     No

14. Do you donate first and then ask whether the gift is deductible?

Yes     No

15. (FOR MEN) Have you ever spent time cyber-flirting with a "kalleh moid" (girl of marriageable age)?

Yes     No

16. Do you agree with Montore's Maxim, "Love expands to fill the available hearts"?

Yes     No

17. (FOR MEN) Has your nice Jewish mother ever verbally attacked you for still being single? Remember when Marie ("Everybody Loves Raymond") said to Robert, "You're torturing me. You're into your 40s--and you still can't settle down! For God's sake, do you want to die alone?"

Yes     No

18. Do you consider the 3 R's the "Risk/Reward Ratio"?

Yes     No

19. Do you believe that all Freshmen at the Sy Syms School of Business at Yeshiva University should receive a substantial discount if they apply in September, but don't begin classes until October?

Yes     No

20. Does it bother you that Sprint charges its "credit-challenged" customers $3 each time they speak with a live representative?

Yes     No

21. Do you consider it unlikely that you would meet a nice Jewish single person while shopping at BJ's Wholesale Club, Price Club, or Costco?

Yes     No

22. (FOR MEN) Have you ever roamed the aisles at Super Sol in search of a "yefayfiyeh" (woman of great beauty)?

Yes     No

23. Have you ever walked into a Saturn auto agency and tried "handlen" (bargaining)?

Yes     No

24. Can you relate to the Broadway show, "Beau Jest," in which Sarah Goodman, a Jewish woman in her twenties, says:
So my mother kept trying to fix me up with sons of friends she'd meet on the street. I don't know where she found these guys. But my mother is determined to make me happy. Whether I like it or not. One time I went to their house for dinner and she had clipped personal ads out of a magazine for me. Can you imagine? Lookin down at your dinner plate and seeing brisket on one side and "S.W.M. mid-thirties, Jewish' on the other?

Yes     No

25. Jerry Seinfeld, as a "bocher" (unmarried man) had a cache of gelt stashed away in his embroidered bag that held his tallis from his Bar Mitzvah. Would you find the "Seinfeld First National Bank" an example of poor money management?

Yes     No

26. Do these lines from "Fiddler on the Roof" cause you to become "blaich vi di vant" (pale as a sheet)? Tevye says to Motel,
"Either you're completely out of your mind or you're crazy.
(To the audience) He must be crazy.
(To Motel) Arranging a match for yourself. What are you, everything? The bridegroom, the matchmaker, the guests all rolled into one? I suppose you'll even perform the ceremony. You must be crazy.

Yes     No

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I completed the "Attitude Profile" just for fun, and faxed it back. Within 24 hours I received a letter which said, "Ziskeit" (sweet thing), your best chance of mating is to take up chess.