According to Dr. Ben Croucher [Dec. '05], Medicare D is coming to town:

You better not snooze,
You better not smile,
You better not dream of peace for a while,
Cause Medicare D is coming to town.

Medicare D went into effect this "yor" (year). This program allows the "elter"(senior) to shop around for a provider among dozens of private insurance companies with different "meditsin" (drug) prices.

Jay Leno was 100% correct when he said, "Some of the other Oscar-nominated movies people are talking about includes George Clooney's film, 'Good Night and Good Luck.' If you haven't seen it, it's about the White House's Medicare plan for the elderly."

According to David M. Walker (the Paul Revere of numbers), the federal government spending is "like the circus trip where the clowns keep rolling out of the VW bus to the amazement of the audience. Except that in the GAO scenario, there is no trick car--and no laughter."

Let's recall these words by Yakov Smirnoff ("America on Six Rubles A Day," Copyright 1987): "In the Soviet Union, health care is free...and you get what you pay for."

And according to Hillary Clinton, in 2006, 45 million Americans are uninsured, and half of all personal bankruptcies are related to health expenditures.

On a more humorous side, let's take a look at some of the differences between the medical care in Russia and the U. S.

Russia
Smirnoff said, "It's the only nation in the world to have a machine that gives everyone x-rays at the same time...It's called Chernobyl."

United States of America
It's the only nation which combines a supermarket with a walk-in medical clinic. Publix--a large grocery chain--is planning to open clinics in some of its stores in Miami, Orlando, and Tampa, Florida. Most services are expected to cost less than "fuftsik" ($50) dollars.

Will SuperSol follow? (PA announcement)

"Welcome to SuperSol. 'Zayt gezunt!' Brisket is on sale in Aisle 'eyns' (1). Surgery, Aisle 'fir' (4). Physicals for Camp Ramah, Aisle 'akht' (8).

Russia
According to Smirnoff, "Doctors don't become corporations; no P.C. followed their names, and dunning letters for overdue bills are hardly ever sent out."

United States of America
In the U. S. we have Dr. Seuss, Dr. Ruth, Dr. Pepper, Dr. Phil, and Dr. Poonim, the surgeon in the comic strip, Joe Palooka.

When patients do not pay their bills, it may be a signal that they are not "gliklekh" (happy) with their care. Some "dokters" send three dunning letters to patients who don't pay. The first is fairly mild, the second is more blunt, and the third says, "We're sending you to a collection agency. Start worrying NOW."

Russia
Smirnoff says, "In Russia, dentistry is performed without any frills. Soviet dentists never use Novocain."

United States of America
And, according to James Frey ("A Million Little Pieces"), He received a Novocain-free root canal.

Russia
Smirnoff says that in Russia, dentists use lead--from forty feet away--to fill cavities.

United States of America
In the U. S. dentists use gold and "zilber" (silver) to fill your cavities. "Der "tsondokter" (the dentist) offers anti-bacterial water filtration, the "Wand" anesthetic, and laughing gas. When you receive the "khezhbn" (bill), the laughing stops. No dentist ever tells you that afterwards you'll have a "facrimta punim."

Russia
Russian medical degrees are recognized by WHO and UNESCO.

United States of America
American medical degrees are recognized by hypochondriacs and "sickniks." A "sicknick" is one who enjoys the psychological experience of fearing he will be sick. As Leo Rosten wrote, "She is such a sicknik they should bury her next to her doctor."

Russia
According to Smirnoff, "Russian doctors don't waste a lot of time and money on preliminary tests--they go straight to the autopsy." And, "The government made it illegal for Russian pharmacies to stock 'Visine' because it 'gets the red out.'"

An American physician asked his Russian friend, "Is it true that there are cases in your country where a patient was treated for one disease, only to have the autopsy reveal another cause of death?" "Absolutely not. All our patients die from the diseases we treat them for."

United States of America
In the U. S. a complete exam covers a "blut" (blood) pressure check, a heartbeat check, and a "kredit-kartl" (credit card) check. "VISA? Come right in; the "dokter" is waiting."

Russia
In 2006, many Russians walk around discussing Vimpel-Communications, a Russian mobile phone operator. (In '97, Vimpel-Com became the first Russian company to trade on the New York Stock Exchange.)

United States of America
In 2006, many Jewish Americans walk around wearing a red "bendel" to protect them from the "evil eye." Others walk around complaining, "I'm so 'dorshtik' (thirsty) and so "farmatert" (tired).

Have you heard the TIRED AND THIRSTY joke?

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have 'tsukerkrenk' (diabetes)."

Other Jews walk around wearing raincoats, regardless of "der veter" (weather). They're not afraid of catching a "kalt"; they're just imitating Billy Crystal: "Yiddish is a combination of German and phlegm. This language of coughing and spitting: until I was eleven, I wore a raincoat."

Russia
According to MosNews (Moscow News), Pravda, and Smirnoff, in Russia the [health] news was always on a slight delay...like a few years. (Smirnoff recently received a call from a friend in Russia who told him he was "sorry to hear about the Titanic."

United States of America
In America, you can USUALLY get the (health) news as it happens on CNN. However, the news was SLIGHTLY DELAYED when VP, Dick Cheney, shot Harry Whittington, 78, on a hunting expedition. Yes, orange vested, broad-daylit septogenarians are easy prey. The White House was mum on the story for 24 hours! Rumor has it that Whittington's health plan has been providing him with UNLIMITED Centrum Silver vitamins! :-)

Russia
They have a little joke in Russia about Russian doctors; they diagnose all ailments as the common cold (flu).

You can purchase medicine in Russia on just about every street corner, Metro Station, etc. On a website titled, "Some Good General Information About Traveling and Communicating in Ukraine and Russia," they say, "It is best to take medicine with you from home when traveling in Russia."


United States of America
Physicians practice as part of a care team. "Hern" is the Yiddish word meaning "to hear." The writer's favorite medical story:

[Overheard in a busy So. Florida clinic as a receptionist spoke to a hard-of-hearing "patsyent"]:

"No, Mrs. Cohen, not the HEARSE; I'm sending the NURSE."

Smirnoff concludes Chapter 9 ("I Want to Hold Your Gland") by writing, "...medicine in the United States is a pretty complicated business. Regarding health care, there is one tip I can give you that I learned from my new American friends. They say, "You absolutely, positively, cannot get sick in this country unless you have medical insurance."