(No soup for you. It shouldn't happen.)

Almost everyone knows that "zup'" is a healthy addition to one's diet. The first known American cooking pamphlet, which focused solely on soups, was written by Emma Ewing ("Soups and Soup Making," Chicago, 1882).

She believed that "zup" was "convenient, economic, and healthy." As an article of diet, it ranked second in importance only to "broyt" (bread), proclaimed Ewing. "Zup" was "easier of digestion than almost any other article of diet." However, she warned that it "must not be a weak, sloppy, characterless compound, nor a crude, greasy, inharmonious hodgepodge." Ewing believed that soup "must be skillfully prepared, so as to please the "oyg" (eye) and gratify the palate."

This "baleboste" is sitting in "di kikh" (kitchen) wearing an apron that's inscribed, "Never trust a skinny chef." "Der radyo" announcer reports that he's just passed "The Soup Nazi's" store on West 55th Street (NYC) and noticed a large group of people staring at "der fentster" (window). He wonders, "Vos tut zikh?" (What's going on?)

"Kumt aher" shouts an elderly gentleman. "Come here! Zeh nor, zeh nor!" (Look here, look here!)

The radio announcer notes a small two-word sign on the window: "Now Franchising." He is in shock! Al Yeganeh, the grumpy New York chef--with his no-nonsense rules--is selling franchises. Robert Hendrickson ("New Yawk Tawk") defines the Soup Nazi as follows:

Phrase used on the New York-inspired television comedy Seinfeld to refer to a real-life soup merchant located in midtown Manhattan. The impatient Soup Nazi is known for supposedly badgering disorganized patrons and for not including the customary piece of bread with an order for customers who take too long to decide what they want. People tolerate his attitude because he reportedly serves outstanding soup.

All I could think of was the strict ordering procedures at Al Yeganeh's restaurant:

1. When you walk in, move immediately to the right.
2. Order your soup with no enthusiasm at all.
3. Put your money on the counter and move to your left.
4. Take your soup and do not give any comments.

Customers know not to embellish on their order. No extraneous comments. No questions. No compliments. If you don't follow his orders, "NO SOUP FOR YOU. [snaps fingers]. NEXT?"

I recalled Episode No. 116 (Nov. 2, 1995) of Seinfeld. Elaine makes an ordering error in front of the "Soup Nazi" and gets on his bad side. She's banned from the store for a "yor." "No soup for you. Come back one year!" she is told.

Would Elaine be forced to make her own Soul Food vegetable soup following the recipe of Mrs. Portnoy ("Mrs. Portnoy's Retort - A Mother Strikes Back")?

1. Add water to vegetables.
2. Without water the soup gets dry.
3. Avoid gassy vegetables.
4. Avoid sexy vegetables.
5. There's no pleasure in being sexy and gassy at the same time.

Personally, I'd love to own one of the soup franchises. Upon "oysforshung" (investigation), I found that the "ersht" (first) store will open in Ridgewood, NJ, this "zumer" (summer), and that his company, Soup Kitchen International, plans to open a "toyznt" (thousand) outlets.

The franchise costs range from $68,000 - $133,500, depending on size and location of the unit. All the "zup" will be made at a single plant in Piscataway, NJ, and then shipped to the franchisees. (They will reheat it and sell it for between $12 and $20 a quart.) His soup will also be sold in supermarkets across the country for $3.50 to $5.50.

Mr. Yeganeh says he has no plans to insist that his franchisees adopt his same militaristic style. "Danken Got!" However, Yeganeh plans to keep his eye on those operating under his "nomen" (name) by installing Webcams in every Soup Man outlet. Don't forget "der shmeykhl" (the smile)!

Another report said that Mr. Veganeh is refining his "retsepts" (recipes) and getting his production crew up to snuff. When he first arrived at the plant, he noticed that the employees worked with the radio on, and sometimes stepped away to take a cell phone call. He quickly put an end to that, banning every activity other than "zup" making. He even snipped the speaker wire in two just to make his point.

Potential franchisees who request informa- tion receive a form letter stripped of niceties like "dear," "thank you," and "we look forward to speaking with you soon."

On second thought, this "Yiddisher kop" would do better working for the Gelt Financial Corporation or for Jeremy Cowan, creator of The Schmaltz Brewing Company. Schmaltz manufactures He'Brew, The Chosen Beer. HE has a sense of humor! The label on one of his products says, "Like your bubbe's chicken soup, there's no preservatives (or gefilte fish) added, store cold."

And everyone laughs at Cowan's shtick:
"The Chosen Beer is the perfect match for weddings, bar mitzvahs (ID required), Beastie Boys concerts, Supreme Court sessions, or anywhere people are kibbitzing or cavorting."

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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe has been known to say, "Tsores mit zup iz gringer tsu fartrogn vit zores on zup." (Worries with soup are easier to bear than worries without soup.) And her "Today's Special" would probably say just two words: TRUST ME!