There's an expression, "Got hot nish gekent zayn iberal, hot er bashafen mames"--God couldn't be everywhere, so He created mothers.

In celebration of Mother's Day, May 13, I invite you to grab a #2 "blayer" and see how well you fare on this not-so-serious quiz. Good luck. The answers are shown at the end.

1. What is the meaning of this Yiddish saying:
"Kinder hobn iz laykhter vi kinder dertsien"?

A) Small children don't let you sleep; big ones don't let you live.
B) It's easier to have children than to raise them.
C) Children and money make a beautiful world.

2. Which "dokter" believed that happiness is a warm hug?

A) Dr. Phil
B) Dr. Leo Buscaglia
C) Dr. Seuss
D) Dr. Joyce Brothers

3. In what country do newspapers constantly warn "der dervaksener" (the adult) against indulging in the "4-2-1 syndrome," in which four grandparents and two parents pamper an "eyntsik kind" (only child)?

A) U.S.
B) China
C) Japan

4. What is a "latchkey kid"?

5. A prescription label reads "P.R.N." What does the Latin term mean?

A) as often as necessary
B) one every four hours
C) "ver vaist"? (Who knows?)

6. How do the authors of the book, "1,003 Great Things About Being Jewish" define Chanu-cough?

A) Eight days of chicken soup
B) Eight days of chicken soup plus TLC
C) Eight days of chicken "zup' plus a "lefeleh suker" (a teaspoon of sugar)

7. If your child/grandchild suffers from "arachibutyrophobia," what is the nature of "dos meshugas" (the phobia)?

A) fear of bug
B) fear of archery
C) fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the "moyl" (mouth)

8. Mama fills the child's bedroom with teddy bears. The children are

A) archtophiles
B) cyberphiles
C) allergic to real animals

9. For what "krenk" (illness) is it wise to use the "BRAT" diet of bananas, rice cereal, "epl" sauce, and "tost" (toast)?

A) "shilshul" (diarrhea) in young children
B) "disenterye' (dysentery)
C) "farshtopung" (constipation)
D) "Metsomnia"--tendency to toss and turn sleeplessly when your favorite "beysbol" team has suffered a painful defeat
E) "Wirenia"--a hernia caused by carrying too many mobile devices on your "gartl" (belt)
F) Abercromie & Fitch addiction

10. The average "beybi" will be changed an average of how many times a day for about 2.5 years?

A) 5
B) 7
C) 10
Note: If you answered A, the "beybi" will "shtinken."

11. When a "yung maidel" talks about her "train tracks," what is the nature of her "tayne" (complaint)?

A) She did not get a Thomas & Friends O-Gauge Electric "tsug" set by Lionel
B) Her "heym" library does not include "Two Little Trains" by Margaret Wise Brown
C) Braces on her teeth

12. What is meant by the Sniglet "Shaboss"?

A) Mother who walks around saying "Sha! Sha!"
B) Mother who gives her children strict rules about cleaning up before Shabbat
C) "Ich vais nit."

13. Stanford Univ. "shpitol" (hospital) tests show that microwaving frozen baby "brust" milk may reduce or eliminate "brust" milk's immunity.

A) True
B) False

14. Martin Marcus ("The Powers of Yiddish Thinking") asks this question: Six months after the wedding your daughter has a baby. Do you:

A) beat up your "eydem" (son-in-law)?
B) claim she was secretly married three months earlier
C) say: "If it'll make you feel better, we'll ask her to take twelve months with the next one."

15. According to Melissa Balman (Parenting Magazine, March, 2002), What We Wish For (after kids) includes:

A) a "talye" (waist)
B) a babysitter
C) leakproof diapers
D) a "mitog" (dinner) that won't stain the ceiling
E) any adult conversation that doesn't involve bodily functions
F) All of the above

16. When Fran Fine (Fran Drescher) entered the Sheffield's residence as the Nanny, what did Sheffield also get for "umzist" (free)?

A) Sylvia Fine, Fran's compulsive eater ("fresser") and nosy mother
B) Yetta Rosenberg, Fran's "Zadie"
C) Episodes titled: "Schlepped Away"; "Pishke Business" ("Pishke" = winnings from playing Canasta); "Oy to the World"
D) the lady in "royt" (red) when everybody is wearing tan
E) All of the above

17. What is a "non-nutritive device"?

18. "Baby Einstein" prompted new parents--and grandparents--to engage infants musically in the name of healthy "moyekh" (brain) building.

A) True
B) False

19. What is the "five second rule" according to Gary Greenberg?

A) If a "beybi" drops something on "di erd" (the ground) and you pick it up within five seconds, it is not officially "shmutsik."
B) Five seconds before the school "oytobus" is scheduled to arrive at your home, your child will tell you that he's expected to bring six dozen homemade cookies to "der klas" party.
C) Within five seconds of hearing, "You're a great Mom," your "kind" will ask to borrow your Honda "oyto."

20. What is the meaning of this Yiddish expression: "Di shtile kind ken men fargesn"?

A) Children should be seen and not heard
B) The least demanding child is easily neglected
C) Don't forget--little children, little joys; big children, big worries

21. The "parental-guilt meter" went soaring into the red zone. The National Institute of Child Health & Development found that keeping preschoolagers in daycare for a year or more increases the likelihood that they would later become disruptive in class--and that the effect persisted through sixth grade.

A) True
B) False

22. According to H. Jackson Brown, Jr. ("Life's Little Instruction Book"), one should

A) Wave at children on school buses
B) Hug children after you discipline them
C) Let your children overhear you saying complimentary things about them to other adults
D) Never start tiptoeing around and shushing everybody...or the baby will grow up thinking the only normal environment is a Christian Science Reading Room
E) Call your mother

KEY:
1. B
2. B
3. B
4. A "latchkey kid" is a child who comes home to an empty house after school because the parent(s) work.
5. A
6. A
7. C
8. A
9. A
10. B
11. C And Bruce Lansky says: "When you visit your teenager's orthodontist, remember to admire his new car. You paid for it."
12. B
13. A
14. C
15. F
16. E
17. A pacifier ("smotshik"). And, "A kind on a smotshik iz vi a tir on a kliamke." (A child without a pacifier is like a door without a knob.)
18. A
19. A
20. B
21. B
22. A, B, C, and E Joan Rivers said "D."

_____________
Marjorie is the mother of 3 sons and 4 grandchildren. She believes that "The way you cradle and rock your children, that's how they'll grow." In Yiddish: "Azoy vi men vigt ayn, azoy vigt men oys."
(Source: "Yiddish Wisdom for Parents.")