Often, we get so caught up in doing whatever we can to make a relationship work or in focusing on how good a person is “on paper” that we forget about our own needs.  And it’s easy to get distracted when we’re thinking about what we should (or should not) do to please or not to anger, burden, or [fill in the negative verb] the other person.  Even worse is “understanding away” our own needs.  In the process, we forget to ask ourselves, “Is this the relationship I want?”

In my last relationship, my “boyfriend,” whom I saw as a mensch and found quite interesting, could only handle a limited amount of time together.  We didn’t see each other during the week and, when the weekend rolled around, he would delay our getting together until as late on Saturday as he could, citing all the things he had to do and his (seemingly endless) need for “down time,” after he got everything done.  I don’t know whether I was more hurt or angry, but it’s not even necessary to distinguish between the two.  I just felt bad.

Instead of focusing on the fact that this was not what I wanted, however, I played the part of the “understanding” girlfriend.  “He’s stressed.  I know that he’s giving me as much as he can.”  I worked my weekend around his need for down time, his schedule.  Throughout, my friend La Rhea, who listened patiently to me repeatedly tell her how bad I felt, kept asking the simple question, “Is this the relationship you want?” 

Other times, I am the one asking her this question.  Several months ago, she met someone interesting on JDate.  He was the first man in a long time about whom she felt excited.  With their busy schedules and the distance (about 60 miles), it wasn’t easy for them to get together, but they managed a first date.  He seemed taken with her, but was inconsistent in his follow up, letting quite a few days pass between communicating with her (how difficult is it to send an e-mail?).  When they finally did set up a second date, he ended up getting sick and canceling, taking a while to schedule another date, and often letting the ball drop in their communication. 

Although on paper (or at least in his JDate profile), he sounded like a mensch and has a “socially conscious” career, he was less than forthcoming about himself in their phone conversations, something that concerned La Rhea (and me).  After they would speak, she would always have mixed feelings.  “I enjoyed talking to him, but I didn’t learn much more about him.  He’s the most interesting guy I’ve met in a while, but he’s too busy to get together this weekend.”  It was my time to ask her, “Is this the relationship you want?”

And, sadly, some women never ask themselves this question.  I had another friend who was determined to get married and was willing to do whatever it took.  She vowed to be “chaste” until she had a ring on her finger.  Shortly after “taking this vow,” she met, on JDate, a financially successful, prominent attorney, who lived on the East Coast.  On paper, this man was the “total package,” but from everything she told me, he sounded self-centered and incapable of a loving relationship.  Indeed, he often said and did hurtful things, which she passed off as his “insecurity.”  After all, he was everything (“on paper”) she had been looking for.  Due to the distance, they spent only half a dozen weekends together before he put a ring on her finger.  She gave up her job, her apartment, and her friends to move to the East Coast, only to find herself sorely disappointed.  Had she asked herself, “Is this the relationship I want?” she could have saved herself a lot of heartache.

Ultimately, we all have to ask ourselves this question, despite how good someone sounds on paper or even how “good” (intelligent, accomplished, attractive) he or she actually is.  The only thing that matters is how that person treats you and that, when you ask yourself, “Is this the relationship I want?” the answer is “yes.”