Are you as aggravated as I am by being told that, when it comes to dating, you should have “no expectations”?  Well, whether you should have expectations, and what kind, depends on the situation.  For example, in the case of online dating, the concept of “no expectations” is appropriate, but once you’ve “set a date” (as opposed to “setting the date”), certain expectations should apply.

With online dating, in my case, JDate, I’ve found that any reasonable expectations I’ve ever had were rendered “unreasonable.”  I can’t tell you how many times a man has Hot Listed me, only never to contact me.  Is it reasonable to expect that he has some interest in going out with me?  Or does he just enjoy looking at my picture? 

To give the guy the benefit of the doubt, I could say that he is insecure and is waiting for reassurance that I also find him “hot” (or whatever).  So, in response, I have either Hot Listed a man in return or sent him an e-mail, thanking him for Hot Listing me and commenting favorably on his profile/him.  Now, wouldn’t you think that it’s reasonable to expect that he would ask me out?  I guess not.

Of course, it could be that my Hot Listing or e-mailing him was not enough reassurance.  Maybe he thought that I was just being polite.  But there is a way that he can be assured of my interest.  JDate has something called a “Click Alert.”  It works like this.  On each profile, there’s a place to indicate “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe” in regard to whether you feel that you would click with a person.  This information is kept secret, unless, of course, the person on whom you clicked “Yes” also clicked “Yes” on you.  Then JDate sends you a “Click Alert.”  (I think this also should apply to mutual “No’s,” but they didn’t ask for my opinion.)

What more reassurance than a “Click Alert” does a man need to tell him: “The woman you are interested in is also interested in you”?  Again, a reasonable expectation is that, once receiving this alert, he would follow up by asking me out.  To date, this has never happened. 

So, when it comes to online dating, I no longer have any expectations, no matter how much interest a guy has indicated in me or I in him. 

In the rare instances, however, that someone in whom I am interested asks me out (and, usually, he hasn’t Hot Listed or “clicked” on me), I start to have expectations again.  What do I expect? 

I expect that if he says that he will call to confirm our date the day before, he will.  I expect that he will be well groomed and on time (barring any unforeseen “road situations”).  I expect that he will tell me something about himself, other than his past (and sometimes present) JDate experiences.  And I expect that if he says that he is divorced, that he is—not separated or (and this has really happened to me) still living with his wife and just trying to determine whether there are enough sufficiently young and attractive women out there to justify his leaving her. 

If our date turns out well, I have even more expectations!  I expect that, if he wants to continue seeing me, he will ask me out at least three days in advance.  I also expect that he will call or e-mail me at least once before our date just to find out how I’m doing and to give me the opportunity to do the same with him.  Finally, I expect that, if we’ve gone out, let’s say for a month, and he decides that he does not want to continue seeing me, he will have the courtesy to tell me, even if it’s by e-mail and even if he tells a white lie, such as “we have lifestyle differences” (whatever that means). 

Am I expecting too much?  Well, I think that my expectations are reasonable, but then again, there’s always someone who will tell me that I should have “no expectations.”  Oh really?  I would have expected more of someone who knows me.