On the road to finding a “real relationship,” we sometimes take a detour and have an “almost relationship.” What is an “almost relationship”? It’s a relationship that, for one reason or another, we know isn’t right, but helps ease the loneliness until we find the real thing.

There are three types of almost relationships, with each one more closely approximating a real relationship. In the first type, we don’t want it to go anyplace. Let’s call this a “let’s just have fun” relationship. For women, this means a guy who is attractive, whose company we enjoy, but, for one reason or another, doesn’t fit our other criteria. Still, we enjoy him and want to spend time together.

In the second type of relationship, we hope that, given some time, we will want it to go someplace, even though, initially, we’re not interested. We’ll call this a “give him a chance” relationship. This involves a guy to whom we are not attracted, but who is a mensch. So we “hope against hope” that our feelings will grow. Of course, they never do, but, in the meantime, we feel that we are “doing the right thing” and we have some companionship.

In the third type of relationship, which is only somewhat more satisfying than the other two; we are with a man with whom we would like to have a future. Let’s call this a “hope for the best” relationship. At the outset, however, he makes it clear that, for one reason or another, what we have now is what we will always have—no more, no less. In some cases, we might hold out some hope that, over time, he will become “ready” for a relationship, but, based on my own experience, we shouldn’t hold our breath.

Besides my own relationship trials and tribulations, at the moment, two of my closest friends are going through theirs. In the past two months, I’ve seen one come out of a yearlong “hope for the best” relationship, only to deal with a “give him a chance” relationship and to consider whether to enter into a “let’s just have fun” one. I’ve seen the other have a series of “give him a chance” relationships and, out of frustration, also to contemplate a “let’s just have fun” one.

All this becomes quite complicated, however, because in each type of relationship, someone invariably gets hurt. In the “let’s just have fun” and “give him a chance” relationships, it’s the guy who gets hurt. The guy in a woman’s “let’s just have fun” relationship may want more, making him the equivalent of the woman in the “hope for the best” relationship. Eventually, he may feel hurt by just being the woman’s “boy toy” and break it off.

In the “give him a chance” relationship, the guy never actually had a chance. Eventually, after the woman has said “yes” too many times, either because she is hoping that her feelings will grow or because she doesn’t know how to say “no,” she breaks it off. What seems like an eternity to the woman is experienced by the guy as an abrupt ending, leaving him to wonder what happened.

In the “hope for the best” relationship, however, it’s the woman who gets hurt. Although, going into it, the guy makes his terms clear; she chooses to “labor under the misconception” that, given time, she can show him how happy he can be with her. And she probably does show him. However, what he actually learned is that he can have his cake and eat it too—that she will settle for a relationship with no future, only a present. The woman in this relationship has been hurting all along. One day, she realizes that a big hurt in the present is better than a future of continuous hurt, and she breaks it off.

So what does all this mean? Is an “almost relationship” worth the hurt that will be experienced by one party or the other? Or is every relationship a “growth experience” that, even if it ends badly, was worth the time you put into it? I don’t have the answer. It’s up to each of us to decide.